EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977)

Director: Bert I. Gordon. Cast: Joan Collins, Robert Lansing, John David Carson

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Ants tuck into some radioactive waste, mutate into man-sized monsters (of course) and start snacking on a bunch of real estate speculators. “It’s no picnic!” but this camp classic is a feast of hammy acting, awful dialogue – “I wish I hadn’t seen Charlie die like that!” – and crappy special effects that look like giant ant heads being shoved into the faces of screaming actors. Joan Collins, in her most embarrassing role ever, suffers the added indignity of spending the entire movie in a pair of beige K-Mart culottes.

THE INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED TRANSPLANT (1971)

Director: Anthony M. Lanza. Cast: Bruce Dern, Pat Priest, Casey Kasem

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Bruce Dern is a mad scientist (as if he could play any other kind) who attaches the severed head of a psychotic killer to the body of a hulking imbecile. Next thing you know Dr Dern’s creation is terrorizing the countryside and showing an unhealthy interest in former Marilyn Munster Pat Priest. American Top 40’s Casey Casem plays the hero and you’ll never forget the theme song “It’s Incredible”.

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TENTACLES (1977)

Director: Ovidio G. Assonitis. Cast: John Huston, Shelley Winters, Bo Hopkins

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When a giant killer octopus takes up residence in the waters off Ocean Beach no one is safe – not even babies in their pushers! Shelley Winters is hilarious as an over-sexed Jewish mother and Henry Fonda seems to be reading his lines off the back of his hand. There’s also a bad stand-up comedian and two heroic killer whales. As for the octopus, you’ve seen plates of calamari that were scarier.

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SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM (1973)

Director: Bob Kelljan. Cast: William Marshall, Pam Grier, Don Mitchell

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Blacula, the black vampire, is resurrected by a voodoo soul brother and goes on another neck-nibbling rampage. Featuring sensational 70’s fashions, jive-talking dialogue and a funky soundtrack, this is Blaxploitation bombast at its best with great performances from Marshall in the title role and Pam as a helpful voodoo priestess - and very cheesy bat transformation scenes.

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FROGS (1972)

Director: George McCowan. Cast: Ray Milland, Sam Elliot, Joan Van Ark

Ray Milland, star of The Thing With Two Heads, is a grumpy old bastard in a wheelchair who hates all things that creep and crawl – including frogs! When he starts poisoning the swamp around his home, the frogs turn from affable amphibians into killer Kermits and lead their fellow swamp dwellers on a quest for revenge. “Today the pond! Tomorrow the world!” You’ll laugh so hard you’ll croak!

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THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972)

Director: Lee Frost. Cast: Ray Milland, Rosey Grier, Don Marshall

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Oscar winner (but not for this movie) Ray Milland is a racist transplant surgeon specializing in heads. Riddled with cancer, he arranges to have his own head transplanted onto a healthy body but the body he gets is black! Former footballer Grier can’t act a lick but fortunately Ray can do enough acting for two and does. Lots of action and bad jokes, with former Celebrity Squares personality Chelsea Brown playing the girlfriend.

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