Bad Movies on the Big Screen with Hilarious Commentary
Finally "Terrorvision" is on DVD. Watched it last night and it's still brilliant. A space monster gets sucked into the Putterman family's satellite dish and emerges through their TV to eat them. Great art direction, lots of bad jokes, a dream cast (including Gerrit Graham, Mary Woronov and Carlos from "The Flying Nun") and the tacky monster was really cool.
I don't know what makes lousy zombie movies better than good zombie movies but they are - and BOY! did I hit paydirt with "Day of the Dead 2: Contagium". A bunch of mental patients inhale zombie gas and start eating everyone. The acting was so bad I was still smiling when I got up this morning. Some of the movie's best acting is captured in the exhilarating still seen below.
It takes guts to sit through a movie like this.
"Super Bitch" is a pretty racy title and something of an improvement on the original: "Si può essere più bastardi dell'ispettore Cliff?" ("It may be more bastards Inspector Cliff?"). lt's a 70s Italian action thriller (need I say more?) with boobs, bush, excellent shot-in-the-head make-up, on old lady car chase and Stephanie Beacham giving a man in a bunny suit a carrot job.
Take it, Flopsy! Take it!
I love phony Bigfoot documentaries especially if they convince me Bigfoot actually exists. "The Mysterious Monsters" had testimonials from yokel eyewitnesses and a pile of plaster footprints but what really swayed me were the "dramatic reconstructions based on actual events." In the best one, a woman is sitting in her lounge room watching TV. She hears a noise and peeps out the window beneath the blind. She sees nothing and goes back to watching TV. An ominous shadow passes behind her on the blind. Suddenly a hairy arm smashes through the window accompanied by furious growling. The woman screams. Her brother rushes in with a rifle. He gingerly approaches the front door and swings it open. Standing in the doorway, looking like giant hairy Avon Lady, is Bigfoot. Totally convincing. Narrated by Peter Graves. I guess Leonard Nimoy was too expensive.
Ding dong! Bigfoot calling.
Watched "Nightmare Beach" last night and it's excellent. A framed biker gets the chair and returns from the dead to electrocute a bunch of bimbos and boofheads during schoolies. This dream scenario is enhanced by bad 80s hair, clothes and music, a wet T-shirt competition and a line-up of victims who all deserved to die. The setting people on fire scenes were the best.
One of the hot scenes from "Nightmare Beach."
When the Italians rip off a movie they do it better than anyone. I watched a spaghetti splatter called "Body Count" (a.k.a. "Camping del Terrore") and it's got the lot. Blood, boobs, running and screaming, making out, crappy dubbing, no discernable lighting, inventive dialogue ("Quit fooling around, you guys! I'm scared!"), a comedy relief fat guy who went full frontal (scariest part of the movie), excellent knife-through-the-back-of-the-head-and-out-the-mouth work and genuine genre stars like David Hess, Charles Napier and Mimsy Farmer, the latter giving everything to a sensational mental breakdown scene. The plot concerns a bunch of kids who go camping and get slaughtered by a maniac. How about that for original?
Has anyone else seen Billy Connolly playing a zombie in "Fido"? He's fantastic! In fact the whole movie is fantastic. In a weird parallel world, zombies have been domesticated and Billy befriends a bullied little boy. Too bizarre to be cute especially as the kid's mom (Carrie-Anne Moss) started to fancy the zombie. It was like a Tim Burton movie - one of the good ones.
Watched "Madame Claude" last night. The title character runs an elite escort service so there was quite a bit of boobage, bush and lezzing but then there was some dumb plot about blackmail and the CIA and it got so dull even Klaus Kinski couldn't liven things up. Murray "One Night in Bangkok" Head got it on with a few chicks wearing furs but was so boring I was glad he got shot. Tedious in the extreme. Even the sex was poor.
Klaus, Murray and a chick wearing a fur look thrilled to bits about being in "Madame Claude."
You've got to see "Windows." A crazy lesbian poet (Elizabeth Ashley) has a crush on her neighbour (Talia Shire from "Rocky") so she gets a rapist taxi driver to attack her and record her gasps and moans. Talia falls in love with the cop investigating the incident and Elizabeth starts spying on them with a telescope. Totally insane (and pretty offensive) but I couldn't stop watching it mainly because of all the stupid things that kept happening. At one point Talia takes a cab, realises the driver is her attacker, stops the cab to call the cops and then GETS BACK INTO THE CAB and continues her trip. Elizabeth Ashley was sensational. Great actors always do their best work in terrible roles and Liz's insane moaning routine during the climax was AMAZING! ONE OF THE BEST BAD MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN!
Here's why I loved "War in Space." Green-skinned aliens (under the command of a Roman centurion) invade Earth. They destroy most of popular tourist destinations (e.g. the Eiffel Tower, the Golden Gate Bridge) until the Japanese finish work on a flying submarine that chases them back to their hideout on Venus. The submarine is infiltrated and the only woman on board who is part of a love triangle involving two best friends is kidnapped. She is held hostage by a giant horned yeti that carries a big axe. Nearly everyone dies trying to save the woman and then Venus is blown up. Absolutely barmy with lots of macho carry-on, toy spaceships whizzing around on conspicuous strings and plenty of explosions. From the good people at Toho who brought us Godzilla and co.
Spent the afternoon watching "Massacre in Dinosaur Valley" and it's AWESOME! A daredevil paleantologist (you know the kind) crashlands in the Amazon (a spectacular model plane effect) and spends the next 90 minutes fighting off piranhas, alligators, boa constrictors and cannibals from the Oogah-Boogah tribe. His companions include a couple of fashion models, a Vietnam vet and his boozy, bleach-blonde wife Betty who fell into the quicksand way too soon. Lots of boobs, bush, blood (there was a great heart-eating scene) and, despite the unlikely surroundings, even some lezzing.
Tragedy strikes as the best character in the movie dies while trying to save her make-up case.
I haven't see a movie as good as "Octaman" in ages. Radiation produces a hideous half man/half octopus that attacks a caravan, kills a couple of scientists and runs off with the leading lady. Gloriously awful in all respects with one the most hilarious monsters ever. The Octaman costume (designed by Rick Baker) is a guilty pleasure to be sure but the guy who wore it had no idea. When he wasn't flopping his tentacles around trying to hit people he sat in a pond looking suspiciously like someone having a sneaky piss in a swimming pool.
Octaman swings into action.
Nana and I watched "The Devils Plaything" last night which really didn't live up to its title but who cares. Chunky vampire ladies dance around topless to bongo music and put candles in their mouths. A bit of vamping, a bit of lezzing but it was the English dialogue readings by the Euro cast that kept us most entertained. "Ah! Dot vus da Wompeer!"
I watched "Meridian: Kiss of the Beast" last night and if you've ever wanted to see Sherilyn Fenn doing the wild thing with a wild thing then here's your chance. Sheri goes home to her family castle in Italy (as you do) and winds up having sex with a bat-faced gorilla. Some rubbish about twins and curses, excellent breast exposure, a dwarf and in the end everyone turned out to be a ghost. I think.
My sister and I watched "Hobo with a Shotgun" the other night. Rutger Hauer (my favourite Dutch actor af all time) plays a bum who gets a gun and starts shooting bad guys. Lots of blood and dismemberment, excellent acting from RH and a genius finale in which the heroine gets her hand chopped off by a lawnmower and uses the bone sticking out of her stump to stab the villain to death. All the characters were dead at the end just an nature intended. My sister nearly fainted. I loved it.
Janet and I watched "Evil Spawn" last night. John Carradine (looking really wasted) concocts an anti-ageing serum from alien microbes. An over-the-hill actress takes the potion and turns into a hideous monster that kills people. Total entertainment with blood and boobs all over the place and Bobbie Bresee was superb as the actress. Her transformations scenes, involving shouting, screaming and spewing milk on the camera were excellent.
In "Time Walker" an alien mummy gets resurrected on a university campus and then staggers around spreading flesh-eating mould among the frat boys and sorority sisters. Good flesh-eating mould effects, some boobage, excellent mummy-cam (all his POV shots were tinted green) and a cool finale with the mummy morphing back into the alien.
"Deadly Friend" is about a teenage science prodigy who brings his dead girlfriend back to life by giving her a robot brain. Kristy Swanson (the female Keanu Reeves) is perfectly cast as a dead girl with artificial intelligence. Once revived she walks around with her zombie arms outstretched killing all her enemies. The head splattered by the basketball scene was the best.
It took a bottle of red but I clawed my way through "The Pirate Movie" last night and it's lost none of its charms. In fact it may be worse than I remembered it. The songs (that weren't reworked Gilbert and Sullivan) had a certain 80s synth ballad charm and Christopher Atkins did oblige the viewer with a lot of skin. Come the finale, when the chorus were merrily singing "Give me a happy ending every time", I certainly felt like I had earned one.
It's hard to imagine a vampire menage a trois being boring but "The Velvet Vampire" is a long time between good bits. There was a suspenseful rattlesnake attack, some excellent bat-on-a-string work and nude vampire sex scenes, but it moved at the speed of a drugged diplodocus. The music reminded me of the stoners I used to hang with in Ballarat.